From Strife to Happily Married Life: Sharing the Workload at Home

Jane and Mike had been married for ten years, but lately, Jane felt overwhelmed by the household chores, especially after long workdays. She found herself constantly cleaning, cooking, and managing the kids' schedules while Mike seemed oblivious to her struggles. Their relationship began to strain under the weight of unspoken expectations and growing resentment. They decided to talk about it during a coffee date.

Sarah's two young adult children, Alex and Taylor, moved back home after college. The sudden shift disrupted her household routine, leading to frequent arguments about chores. Sarah felt like she was doing everything while her kids were still in 'college mode.' They decided to sit down and use the blueprint described below to discuss household

responsibilities so they could have a more peaceful living arrangement.

Then there's Emily and Jack. Emily works a demanding job that often leaves her feeling drained by the time she gets home. Jack, who also works full-time, finds himself picking up the slack around the house. This imbalance led to a classic case of work-family conflict, with Emily feeling guilty and Jack feeling overburdened. The work life conflict meaning is the struggle that occurs when the demands of work and personal life interfere with each other, making it difficult to manage both effectively. Emily and Jack realized they needed to address this imbalance to maintain their relationship's health.

The Conversation

Before diving into a conversation like this, consider the attitude you bring to the table. Your mindset can influence whether the discussion leads to conflict or the results you're hoping for.

• Work Family Conflict Questionnaire: This self-reflection tool is designed to bring clarity to your situation, helping you see the root causes of your stress and how it's affecting your relationships.

• Team-Oriented Mindset: Treat the discussion like a collaborative effort, especially if it's been a contentious topic before. Remember, you’re working together as a united front to tackle an issue. The aim is to find solutions, not assign blame or criticize.

• Book Some Time Together: Ask if you can arrange a convenient time to talk. Tell them you’d like to discuss ways to balance the chores at home. Reassure them that it’s a positive meeting aimed at finding solutions together, not a time for arguing.

• Choosing the Right Setting: Find a time and place where emotions can stay in check. Maybe get coffee or dessert in a public space to help everyone feel more relaxed and accountable for how they interact. Make sure it's a place everyone enjoys!

Starting The Conversation

Begin by setting a positive tone. Let the other person know that you appreciate them and that you’re in this together. Emphasize that this is about teamwork—not about assigning blame or arguing. You’re both working toward the same goal of making life easier and less stressful.

Make it clear that you want to approach the conversation as a problem-solving session. Acknowledge that when you both know what needs to be done and who’s handling what, it makes everything run more smoothly. This is a chance to avoid last-minute stress and to make sure both of you feel supported.

Next, dive into brainstorming together. Each of you can make a list of tasks that need to be handled over the next couple of weeks. From there, you can divide responsibilities based on what feels fair and manageable for each person. Here are some areas to consider:

• Cooking & Cleaning: Who will handle meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up after meals? Consider any dietary restrictions or preferences.

• Yard Work & Repairs: Discuss who will take care of mowing the lawn, tending to the garden, and handling any necessary home repairs.

• Transporting the Kids: Coordinate who will be responsible for dropping off and picking up the kids from school, extracurricular activities, and playdates.

• Our Social Calendar: Plan out any social events, family gatherings, or date nights that need to be coordinated.

• Managing Finances & Shopping: Decide who will pay the bills, manage the budget, and handle any other financial responsibilities.

• Tech Support: Identify who will take care of any technical issues, such as troubleshooting computer problems or setting up new devices.

• Medical Appointments: Make sure someone is responsible for scheduling and attending medical appointments for everyone in the household.

Curating the To-Dos

• Brainstorm: Let's brainstorm about which of these need to be done in the next 2 weeks. Discuss how each task impacts your day-to-day life and prioritize accordingly.

  • What’s at the top of your list for priorities? Here’s what I’m thinking is my top priority…

  • Out of those top priorities, which ones do you really not want to do? These are the ones I’m not a fan of…

  • Which tasks don’t bother you too much? For me, these are the ones I don’t mind doing…

  • Are there any tasks you’re especially good at? These are the ones I feel pretty confident handling…

• Allocate Tasks: When we consider our current circumstances and the time we anticipate having in the next 2 weeks, let's take turns picking what we will be responsible for during the next 2 weeks. This way, each person feels a sense of control and ownership over their responsibilities.

• Seek Help: Is there anything on our list that must be done, but we aren't able to reasonably do? Do we need to ask for help from friends or family? Do we need to hire someone to take the pressure off of us?

• System for Accountability: What system will we use so that we don't need to remind each other about their tasks and so that we know when the other person has completed the task? A shared app on the phone? A written checklist on the fridge?

• Flexibility: Let's have some flexibility too. If something unexpected happens and one of us needs help, let's let each other know. We are a team with a mutual goal.

Wrapping Up

• Express Gratitude: "Thank you for doing this with me, it means a lot." Expressing appreciation can reinforce positive behavior and strengthen your bond.

  
  

• Reflect on the Experience: What was the experience like for you? Openly discuss what worked well and what could be improved.

  
  

• Continuous Improvement: What could we tweak to make a conversation like this even better next time? Continuous improvement helps ensure the process remains effective and enjoyable.

  
  

• Schedule the Next Meeting: Before finishing, schedule the next time you will meet to debrief and plan for the next two weeks. Regular check-ins help maintain balance and address issues promptly.

Your Next Move

Once you've had the conversation, it's important to follow through respectfully:

• Respect Autonomy: Refrain from reminding your spouse, child, or roommate about the responsibilities they chose. Let them do it on their own, their way. Micromanaging can lead to more resentment and conflict.

• Show Appreciation: When you notice that they've completed a task, say thank you! Acknowledging their efforts fosters a positive environment and encourages continued cooperation.

• Have Fun Together: Be sure to have some fun together during each 2-week period to strengthen your bond. Plan enjoyable activities to create positive memories and reinforce your connection.

Don’t Give Up!

Dr. Kristin Barnhart

Balancing the workload at home isn't just about getting chores done—it's about building a supportive relationship with those you live with. Remember, this may take many iterations before you have something that works. Keep trying, keep an open mind, and have grace with each other. Share your feelings and needs respectfully, and don’t give up. You got this!

Fast track success by scheduling personalized couples coaching or individual coaching. 

Click here to schedule a complimentary 15-minute online consultation to learn more.

I'd love to connect and help you share the workload and resolve the work life balance conflict.

The Work Family Conflict Questionnaire - It’s free!

You find yourself caught in the middle of a work family conflict meaning the demands of work and your personal life interfere with each other, making it difficult to manage both effectively. You're not alone. Many people face these challenges every day, and it can significantly strain relationships with spouses, young adult children, or roommates. 

This questionnaire isn't just about identifying problems—it's about fostering self-reflection and personal growth. True/false questions, short answer journaling prompts, and multiple-choice queries guide you to take proactive steps toward improving your work-life balance, reducing stress, and strengthening your relationships.

Take this first step towards a more balanced and harmonious home life.

Click here to receive your FREE Work Family Conflict Questionnaire now!

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