Loneliness: Why You Feel It & How to Heal It

You know that feeling when you’re surrounded by people but you feel alone? 

Or you’re home by yourself, wishing that you had someone to go through life with? 

I’m familiar with this unpleasant feeling. 

Whether it’s when there’s a big life transition, when hormones are acting up, or when close relationships shift, the ache of loneliness can have a way of creeping in. 

Isolation, a loneliness synonym, can feel all-encompassing, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to last forever.

Loneliness isn’t just about being physically alone—it’s emotional disconnection. It’s a sense that no one understands you or wants to be with you. 

The origins of loneliness date back to ancient times when being part of a group meant survival. Our need for community has deep roots in our ancestry. 

Today, however, our fast-paced lives often leave us emotionally distanced, even when people surround us. Our modern screen-filled lifestyles often push us apart rather than bringing us together.

Benjamin’s story stands out. He was recently widowed after decades of marriage. He and his late wife shared so many interests, from gardening to traveling. Their days were filled with plans, laughter, and the comfort of companionship. When she passed, Benjamin felt as though a piece of himself had gone with her. The hobbies that once brought him joy now felt hollow. Gardening felt too quiet, and the thought of traveling alone seemed unbearable. Over time, he began to withdraw, not only from activities they once loved but also from friends and family. Now, he spends most of his days alone, the TV flickering in the background, filling the silence that feels so heavy. His story is a poignant reminder of how loneliness can take hold after loss.

Benjamin’s experience illustrates situational loneliness—the kind that arises when a close relationship ends or changes. But loneliness doesn’t always come from being physically alone. 

Emotional loneliness can occur even when we’re surrounded by people. Feeling lonely while in a relationship is that ache that happens when we are feeling disconnected, and we don't have someone to share life with. Loneliness can manifest as an uncomfortable sense of isolation, feeling unseen and unheard, or longing for meaningful connection.

Another story that resonates is Olivia’s. In her late 20s, Olivia often feels a pang of sadness when attending gatherings with her friends. Most of them are married or in serious relationships, and their conversations often revolve around partners and future plans. Olivia tries to join in, laughing at the jokes and listening to updates, but she can’t help but feel like an outsider. The moments where everyone pairs off or shares memories about their significant others only deepen the sense of separation. She often wonders if they notice how quiet she becomes, retreating into her thoughts as the evening progresses.

When Olivia returns to her empty apartment, the silence feels heavier than ever. She replays the night in her mind, wondering if she’s doing something wrong or if she’s destined to always feel this way. Her loneliness isn’t due to a lack of people in her life—she has friends who care about her—but rather, it stems from a longing for a deeper connection, for someone to share her journey with. Her story highlights the emotional loneliness that can exist even in social settings, where one might assume she has everything she needs to feel connected.

Loneliness is defined as an uncomfortable feeling of isolation, a sense of being disconnected from others, or the belief that there’s no one to share life with. It can take many forms. 

We are inherently social beings, created for intimacy and connection. From the moment we are born, we long for attachment. This deep-seated need explains why loneliness can be so painful. 

Studies show that loneliness can lead to sadness, despondency, and even physical health challenges like weakened immunity and increased risk of cardiovascular issues. 

A 2023 advisory from the U.S. Surgeon General emphasizes the importance of social connections for overall health, and that when we lack quality relationships it can increase the risk of premature death by up to 60%.

Today, loneliness is more prevalent than ever. This may be why there are so many loneliness quotes that resonate:

““The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

— Mother Teresa

Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, and solitude expresses the glory of being alone."

— Paul Tillich

"Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact."

— Martha Beck

Social media can create illusions of perfect lives, while remote work and hectic schedules hinder the formation of deep connections. The modern world offers many conveniences but often at the expense of genuine relationships.

Because of this, loneliness is more common than ever. Social media can make us feel like everyone else has a perfect life, while remote work and busy schedules keep us from forming deep connections that used to come more easily.

Research has shown that there are powerful, evidence-based ways to combat loneliness.

Here are some recommendations:

1. Prioritize quality relationships. Instead of focusing on the number of connections, invest in deep and meaningful interactions with a smaller number of people. 

2. Volunteer. Helping others can reduce loneliness and give a sense of purpose, as outlined in a Harvard Health article on social connection.

3. Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness during lonely periods. Recognizing that loneliness is a common human experience can alleviate self-judgment and promote emotional well-being. Self-compassion has been shown to reduce feelings of isolation.

4. Engage in Activities That Spark Joy: Finding hobbies or pursuits that genuinely interest you can introduce you to like-minded individuals. Whether it’s joining a book club, attending fitness classes, or exploring art, shared activities foster organic connections.

5. Reach Out: Sometimes, combating loneliness starts with a small act of reaching out to someone. A simple message, phone call, or invitation can pave the way for meaningful interactions.

   
   

If loneliness has been weighing you down, remember: You’re not alone. 

Here are three steps you can take today to address loneliness:

1. Book a complimentary 15-minute consultation with me to explore how individual coaching can help you establish meaningful connections in your relationships.

2. Join my Facebook community, Hope & Tools, where you can connect with others and find support.

3. Receive emails with practical resources for building meaningful relationships.

👉Loneliness doesn’t have to define your future. Let’s stay connected!

©kristinbarnhart          www.kristinbarnhart.com          860-333-8773