When Your Child Leaves Home, What Changes Between You?
Joe couldn't have been prouder as he watched his daughter, Maya, walk across the stage to receive her diploma.
He cheered, took pictures, and held onto her a little longer than usual when he hugged her afterward.
That weekend, Joe and his wife, Tammy, hosted a graduation party in their backyard. There was plenty of food, music, laughter, and a steady stream of family and friends.
It was a wonderful day.
Later that evening, after everyone had left, Joe and Tammy found themselves reminiscing on the porch.
He thought about teaching Maya to ride a bike, and she remembered making posters for an assignment due the next day.
Now she was preparing to leave for college.
Joe had been looking forward to Maya's graduation for months. He was excited about everything ahead of her. So why did he suddenly feel so sad?
He knew he'd miss Maya. He just hadn't expected it to hit him quite so hard.
When Your Child Leaves Home, What Do You Miss Most?
You've spent years helping your child become more and more independent.
You taught them how to make decisions, encouraged them to try new things, and gradually gave them more responsibility.
Now they're doing what you've been helping them learn to do all along.
And while you're proud of them, you're discovering how much you miss having them around.
Sometimes it's the smallest things that catch you off guard.
The shoes by the front door. The familiar sound of them opening the refrigerator late at night. The conversations while you were driving somewhere together.
You even find yourself longing for the things that used to annoy you.
For years, you knew details about what was happening at school, who needed a ride, and when every game was.
Now you have more time to yourself, and it's difficult getting used to that.
The American Psychological Association describes how each parent experiences the empty nest experience in their own way.
Some parents enjoy the freedom to spend time on interests and relationships they've had to put aside.
Others find themselves feeling restless and anxious.
When that happens, it helps to realize that you're experiencing a loss, even though you're happy for your child.
Alan Wolfelt writes about the importance of making room for grief rather than trying to quickly move past it or ignore it. Although his work focuses on the death of a loved one, many of his ideas can apply to empty-nesting parents, too.
Learning to Relate to Your Child as an Adult
Your son calls to tell you he's made an important decision. You're glad he called, although you can't help wondering why he didn't ask for your opinion first.
You're used to being part of those conversations.
Now you're finding out about decisions after they've been made, and sometimes that's harder than you expected.
You may also be discovering that your advice isn't always welcome, even when you're fairly certain you have something helpful to offer.
Of course, your child may still count on you for practical or financial support. They just want more say in other parts of their life.
So how do you stay involved without getting more involved than they'd like?
Psychologist Laurence Steinberg talks about these changing relationships in a conversation about parents and their adult children. He explores how parents can stay involved in their children's lives while recognizing their growing independence.
Sometimes it helps to ask whether they want your advice or would rather you simply listen.
You may be surprised by how much more they're willing to share when they know you're interested in hearing their perspective.
And there are some things to look forward to.
You might find yourself having conversations you wouldn't have had a few years ago, laughing about things you can both appreciate now, or discovering how much you enjoy spending time together without the usual parent-child responsibilities.
What Happens to Your Marriage When the Kids Leave?
For some couples, having the kids out of the house is something they've been looking forward to. They can make plans without checking everyone's schedules, take a weekend away, or enjoy a quiet evening together.
But what if you've been looking forward to having more time with your partner, and now that you have it, things feel a little different from what you expected?
You go out for dinner and realize you've spent most of the evening talking about the kids. Or you find yourselves sitting at home, each doing your own thing, even though you finally have time to spend together.
After years of focusing on raising a family, you may have gotten out of the habit of knowing what to do when it's just the two of you.
For some couples, feelings of loneliness in marriage become more noticeable during the empty nest years. Perhaps you've felt disconnected for a while, but between work, parenting, and everything else, there wasn't much opportunity to talk about it.
Now there's more time together, and you're beginning to wonder what you'd like that time to look like.
When You and Your Partner Experience the Empty Nest Differently
One of you may be excited about making plans and enjoying more freedom. The other may be having a difficult time adjusting to the children being gone.
You may also have different ideas about how to spend your time.
Perhaps one of you wants to travel and socialize while the other is looking forward to a quieter lifestyle.
Those differences can be frustrating, especially if you've assumed your partner would be looking forward to the same things you are.
Think back to Joe and Tammy.
Joe was surprised by how emotional Maya's graduation felt. Tammy might have been experiencing the same sadness, or she may have been more focused on the opportunities Maya would have at college.
If they assume they know what the other is thinking, it's easy for misunderstandings to develop.
But talking about what each of them is experiencing could help them understand each other better.
Can Sharing Grief Bring You Closer?
You and your spouse may miss different things about having the kids at home.
Maybe you miss the family dinners and having everyone together. Your partner misses the conversations that happened while driving to practices.
Shared grief strengthens relationships even when you and your partner don't experience it the same way.
If you've been finding it hard to connect as an empty nest couple, couples therapy can give you some guidance and a place to talk about how you're each doing and what you'd like as you move forward.
With so much changing in your family, you may not have had much time to think about how you're doing.
Perhaps you've been busy helping your child settle into their new life, checking in with them, or making plans with your spouse.
But what about you?
I created Your Journey Through the Empty Nest: Reflective Journal Prompts for Every Stage with that question in mind.
This complimentary journal includes questions about the time leading up to your child's departure, what those first days were like, and how your life and relationships have changed since then. There are also opportunities to think about what you're looking forward to.
You might find yourself smiling at a memory you'd almost forgotten. Another question may help you put words to something you've been feeling but haven't talked about.
There's no need to complete it in one sitting. You can return to it whenever you have a little time to yourself.
I hope it gives you a chance to pay attention to your own experience during a time when so much of your attention has been on your child.
Finding Your Way Into What's Next
Remember Joe and Tammy sitting together on the porch after Maya's graduation party?
They were beginning to realize how much their family life was about to change. They probably couldn't have imagined all the conversations and adjustments that would come afterward.
And that's part of what makes this transition so big. You don't know exactly what the coming months will be like or how your relationships will change.
There may be things you miss terribly, along with new experiences you genuinely enjoy.
Your child is growing into adulthood, and you'll continue getting to know each other in different ways. You and your partner may also discover things about each other that haven't had much room in your lives for a while.
You don't need to have everything figured out right now.
If you're finding this transition more difficult than you expected, or you and your partner would like some help adjusting, I'd be glad to talk with you.sms:
I'm Dr. Kristin Barnhart, a licensed psychologist for more than 30 years. Through Breakthrough Counseling, I provide online individual therapy and couples therapy to clients throughout Connecticut and in over 40 PSYPACT participating states.
You can call or text me at 860-333-8773 to schedule a complimentary introductory call. We'll talk about what's been going on, and you can ask any questions you have about working together.
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